Saturday, February 23, 2008

The Skinny on Cows

Things have been hard the last few weeks, and I think we could all use a smile. I know I could, I used the nice long President's day weekend to experiment with the flu, which I graciously shared with my wife and kids. I'm starting to feel human again, thank God.

By the way, those that live in the Roswell, New Mexico area are invited to visit me at the Hasting's book store in Roswell this afternoon (Saturday, Feb 23, 08) from 1pm to 3pm. I've been looking forward to this visit due to the large number of requests. As is common to Roswell, I'm sure the book signing will be out of this world.

Now, I'm going to depart from the ordinary and avoid one of my short stories. (Please hold your applause to only three minutes.) I have no idea who origionally created The Skinny on Cows, but when I read it, I had to laugh out loud (LOL for those of you born before 1990). So, I take no credit for this tacky insight into government affairs around the world, but I do hope you enjoy sharing a well deserved laugh.



You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good. A foreign country invades, you and your cows surrender.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. They also invade France every 40 years or so. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


Alison said...

The French --um, Freedom Corporation was great. I wonder what they would say about a Texas one...

Travis said...

They wouldn't dare!

dave said...

funny stuff...I liked the democracy, american style and the italian corporation the best.

Travis said...

Life is good.

Dave said...

So, how did the book signing go?

Travis said...

The book signing was a great success. Caitie helped me while Sarah and Seth went to Home Depot. A lot of people came by and we sold a lot of books. We had fun. Plus, I have added another funny story to my list.

Alison said...

Okay, I'll take the bait. What's the funny story? (Oh, please let it involve a line dance!!)

Alison said...

Was it the "club" story?

Travis said...

Well, while I was at the book signing, my booth was set up next to a table of new release books. One of the books was a murder mystery with the subtitle that said, "Another installment of the murder club for women." An old lady observed that phrase and asked me, "Is this a club for women who read murder mysteries, or for women who have murdered someone?" She was serious. I responded, "I don't know, but I'll bet the club has a killer initiation." She replied, "Hm. I think it's only for women who read about murder."

Tracy said...

Ok, those are hilarious - thanks for sharing! And I've been fighting an awful cold for over a week now, so the comic relief was much appreciated!